...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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