It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
