Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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