My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
