my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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