My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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