he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
