I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
