My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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