i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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