If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
