I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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