Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
