I hate all girls vehemently.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
