census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
