If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
