She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
