my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
