4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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