dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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