my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
