I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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