hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
