I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
