I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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