If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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