One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
