I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
