turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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