Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
