I just threw up on my dentist
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
