Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
