walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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