So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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