I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Welp...herpes.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
