Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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