Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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