I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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