Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
