I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
