he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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