I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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