I accidentally had phone sex last night
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The best revenge is premature balding
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
