New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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