You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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