Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
