Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
