no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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