I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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