Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
