It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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