I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
