Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
