three words: i give head
three words: not that well
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
