I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
