i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
