and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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