i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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