Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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