and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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